A wonderful day

Today was a somber one, yet somehow a peaceful and joyful one too. 
Going to see my grandpa, who is very, very ill in the hospital, was NOT something I was looking forward to, honestly. 
You see, I love him so very much. 
I don't want to remember him so sick. 
Plus, honestly, I am not good with seeing people in such a sick state. It scares me in a weird way, and it makes me so very sad. 
But I really, really felt like I needed to go. 
For my mom's sake, and for my grandpa's. 
My mom, who has also been pretty sick herself this year with lupus, has been visiting him day in and day out in the nursing home for years now. It's been pretty wearing on her emotionally, but something that she wants and loves, to do, because she loves her daddy so much.
And, this process of nursing homes began way earlier. She started taking care of my grandpa after my grandmother had a stroke and a heart attack the same week in April 2005. From then on my grandmother was very sick in the nursing home and a few short years later, my grandfather had to be admitted into a nursing home as well.
Directly following my grandfather's transfer into a nursing home, Mom took my grandpa out of his nursing home to see her in her nursing home, like almost every other day. The whole scenario reminded me of the movie, The Notebook, because my grandma and grandpa's love was just as awesome. To this day, I have never heard him say a negative word about my grandma. Even when she was mean to him her last days here on earth (because she didn't know any better - her mind wasn't there) he was just as kind, and gentle and loving to her as he had always been. He always called her his "pretty girl".  
The few short years they lived without each other and grandma was in the nursing home, I'm sure, was the hardest thing my grandpa has ever had to live through, short of this experience now. He lived in East Texas, and she was transferred out here to West Texas. I'm sure his heart was broken for years. 
Anyway, Mom took care of them together for a while, until grandma finally passed after a long, difficult, painful death filled with strokes, gangrine that took her leg and forced her into a wheelchair, and, finally, another heart failure. Grandpa watched it all, painfully, I'm sure. He wasn't doing great himself, but his body was still strong. 
The last six and a half years since grandma got sick, Mom has been there for grandpa. She has seen him go through all this, and she has suffered with him. 
I feel for my mom. The last few years have not been easy for her in several ways. Her health has gone down. Lupus has been trying to (pardon me) kick her butt! :) 
She lost her momma, and just recently, both of her aunts have found out they have cancer, whom she has leaned on the most since her mom passed away. That's hard. It seems so many of the people she loves are very sick. 
So I felt like I needed to go today for that reason. For the reason that my Mom needed someone to be there for her right now. 
And...the other big reason is obvious. 
My grandfather, who, apart from my father, has been the biggest male Christian model for me my entire life. THIS is the way I remember him.
I really feel as though I've been able to come to terms lately with him passing. Years ago, after grandma passed, I wrote him a long letter about how much he means to me. I wrote it in tears, and I wanted to say all the things I had never been able to put into words, for him to know just how MUCH of an influence he had had in my life. 
I don't think he was even aware.
Not because he didn't care. 
Quite the contrary, actually.
He is one of the most humble people I have ever known, and every time I would say how much he meant to me, he would just say he was unworthy. Wow. 
If anyone is worthy of my love and adoration, besides my earthly father, of course, it is him. 
A lot of my good early childhood memories include him. 
You see, my grandma took care of me when I was little - preschool age. 
So I got to know my grandpa pretty well, and I don't ever remember anything bad. 
Honestly. 
Every memory I have of this man is a good, Christian one. 
I remember no negative words, or wrongdoings. 
The only time I remember anything negative coming out of his mouth, it was to correct me with godly correction.
I remember being sick with the flu one time, and, multiple times, he literally carried me to the bathroom to throw up. I know, kind of gross, but to me, it was humility at it's best.
He always called me pretty. 
That means so much to a girl!
He loved to take me walking, and when we were walking, he would show me how to pick up trash on the side of the road. He was a good steward of the things God had given him, and he tried to teach me to be the same.
He taught me how to drive first.
Him and grandma lived out in the middle of East Texas, in a small town called Naples. Very tiny town out in the middle of nowhere. It was easy to drive along the winding roads for miles, and he taught me so gently how to drive slow around the curves, then press on the gas pedal to speed up. He was always so kind about it. 
Yet I knew that he could be stern. If I started to veer off, or do something I shouldn't, he was pretty forthcoming about it, and I knew he meant business. 
Reminds me of that song, which is very old school, by the way, but I still like it - "Daddy's Hands". I think it's by The Judds! Lol. I always think of grandpa when I hear that song. 
"Daddy's hands...were soft and kind when I was crying. Daddy's hands...were hard as steal when I'd done wrong. Daddy's hands weren't always gentle, but I've come to understand, there was always love in Daddy's hands."     
There are just so many good memories of this humble, gentle spirit.
So, you can see why I was so torn about going today. 
I didn't know what I would find. Mom had said he was in pretty bad shape and to expect it.
And I didn't know if I could handle seeing him that way, or even if I wanted to let my kids see him that way. 
Plus, yesterday, when I was making plans to come, both of the kids started having constant diahrrea, it seems, every time they'd eat something. Yep. I was like, "Really, Lord? Seriously?"
But I still felt like I should visit him, and I prayed that if they were fine through the night that I would leave in the morning to see grandpa.
And they were. 
So, my sweet grandma on my dad's side came with me to help with the kids (Justin was working, which is another reason why I was so torn about coming. I don't like driving by myself with the kiddos to other towns while he's away.).
And, it was a good day. She kept me good company, the conversation was good on the way there and back, the kids were pretty happy all day long, and we even went to Abuelo's to eat, then to Tuesday Morning (which is great, by the way!). 
But, the best part was seeing grandpa. 
He wasn't in the condition I had expected, (he had been really bad, throwing up continuously and even foaming at the mouth due to not having enough fluid in his body) and he was just lying there, peaceful, almost. 
He didn't look like himself, of course. He was pale white, and laying his head to the side, his mouth hanging wide open, gurgling noises coming out, and his eyes half shut. 
I didn't know what to say to him, though, so I didn't say much. I said hi, and I really think he tried to say hi to me. I just squeezed his hand tight, and gave him a few hugs, touched his hair a bit, and, while we were leaving, I told him he means so much to me now, and he always has and always will, and gave him a kiss on the forehead. 
I hope so much that he knows that I was there. I pray he does. 
Mom said that he has refused a feeding tube, and he is at the point where he can't eat. He chokes on everything that is given to him, all liquids, and even water. He is literally going to die of starvation if this continues, I think. 
He also has an aneurism, and has had stroke after stroke recently.
I don't really know all the details about how one decides not to have a feeding tube put in - I just know that that is what he has told everyone who has been taking care of him - that he does not want that. 
I agree with him - if my quality of life is going to include a feeding tube, I don't want to be kept alive. I know some people would argue that maybe that's not what God would say, but I think that He would understand that type of situation. I believe that it's hard on all involved - and who wants to live on life support for years and years? It's very controversial. But that is what he's decided, and I am fully supportive of that decision.
So, at this point, we are praying.
That's all we can do.
The Lord knows the outcome of this, and, my grandpa has lived a very, very decent life. He has been a hard working man. He worked for Mrs. Baird's bread, and he worked for the post office for many years. 
He was in World War II. He can tell you some amazing stories.
He is a Mason and has given out countless bibles.
He has a purple heart.
But most of all, he is a man after God's own heart.
Just ask this girl. I remember his devotion.

I would like him to live, of course. I would like him to live on for years, so that I can continue to ask him about World War II, and hear his countless stories.
I would like him to live, because he is such an inspiration to me, and to those he comes into contact with. He had nothing but a good reputation at the nursing home he stayed in. 
I would like him to live, because he has awesome hands, and I love to hold themthem. I held one today. They are strong, yet gentle. 
I would like him to live, because he always calls me pretty, every time he sees me. And every girl, no matter how old, benefits from a man telling her she's pretty. Just ask my grandma, who was told on her deathbed how pretty she still was, with her arm all tucked up underneath her from a stroke, and one leg hanging down from her wheelchair.

 I would like him to live, because of his heart for God. Every day, I would catch him reading his devotional or his bible. He was always ready and willing to share some awesome grain of truth truth with his granddaughter, whether she liked it or not!
I would like him to live, because I am selfish. 
I want him here. 
I want him healthy and happy.

But he will be.
Very soon. 
His pain level will not be at a 9 like the board said today at the hospital.                                       
His eyes will be fully opened, and he will see God. 
He will not be confined to a bed, but able to dance, and be merry.
He will be able to be with grandma, and tell her she's pretty again.
He will be with his Lord he has taught me about all these years.

And that, my friends, is my source of joy today. 
What a somber day, and maybe he might come out of this, still. I don't know. Only the Lord does. 

But I don't expect that. 
And we are praying for him to not be in pain anymore. 

It has been a long road for him, and he is ready. He has voiced that recently.

Thank you, Jesus, for this wonderful day.

       

 "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."
 Matthew 5:8 (NIV)